On Contentment

Philippians 4:11b-12 – “I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.”

I hate holidays.

It’s an old issue with roots so tangled that there is no real point in trying to understand it anymore.  I love the twinkle lights, carols, and communion at Christmas.  I get up early to sing praises at sunrise on Easter.  I love the holiday seasons, but the idea of holidays themselves – tradition and obligation and parties – is really unpleasant for me.  Again, that’s something that most people don’t know about me, and I’m certainly not proud of my aversion; nevertheless, it exists and it’s something with which I have to deal multiple times throughout the year.  So….

Today is Mother’s Day.

This is my fourth Mother’s Day in five years of marriage, in fact.  (We weren’t even supposed to be able to have children, but that’s another blog post.) Mother’s Day 2007 – I suffered from severe post-partum depression.  Mother’s Day 2008 – Apparently not that memorable, because I can’t remember it.  Mother’s Day 2009 – SEVERE morning sickness and warnings of bedrest.  Mother’s Day 2010 – Different.

This Mother’s Day is different because I’m not reaching outside of my circumstances for something that society, family, and Hallmark think should be there.  I am not disappointed by lack of phone calls or greeting cards, nor am I scrubbing butter out of my sheets after an attempted breakfast in bed.  I am not reflecting on how much a slap in the face Mother’s Day is to a mother who feels she’s a failure (suddenly remembered why I forgot 2008).  Instead, I’m appreciating any sentiments thrown my way, and I’m loving my children and doing the same things I do any other day of the year.  Because that is enough.

The Oxford English Dictionary observes that being content means “[h]aving one’s desires bounded by what one has; not disturbed by the desire of anything more, or of anything different.”  In the Greek, the term Paul uses in Philippians 4 for content is αὐτάρκης, which is derived from the two words meaning “self” and “complacent”; the word used for complacent refers to raising a barrier, and more appropriately translates “sufficient.”  I love the image that is presented in this one word. It paints the picture of a woman who sees what is within her circle, loves it for what it is, and knows that it is all she needs.  The term “self-sufficient” might be a little misleading, though, so Paul makes sure to tell us the secret to contentment – the thing which maintains his contentment throughout every situation of life.  Philippians 4:13 states, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”  Our struggle to remain content seems much easier when we realize that within our walls, within our circle of influence, resides the One Who controls all gold and silver, Who commands children to honor their parents and parents to love their children, and Whose grace is sufficient for all our needs (2 Cor. 12:9).

This year, I’m treating Mother’s Day as a more pronounced opportunity to demonstrate my gratitude for being made a mother.  I’m relaxing, enjoying whatever quiet time I’m given, and laughingly doing my duty the rest of the time.  This year, I’m content, for I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.

Happy Mother’s Day, 2010.

 

 

 

 

On Orderliness

I Corinthians 14:33a – “For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.”

My students hate outlining.

As most of you know, I teach English to college students.  I mold young minds, and, most importantly, young papers into objects of  academia, mature and beautiful.  Alright, now that my fellow teachers have stopped laughing, let me remind them that this is our ultimate goal – to be examples of Christ and to push our students towards being more mature versions of themselves and to enable them to better express that maturity.  As part of this process of maturing, I ask my students to construct an outline of the papers they mean to write.  Now, each one follows a process unique to the writer, so I pretty flexible on exactly what that outline will look like.  Some stream-of-consciousness writers construct something almost like an image – a “connect-the-dots” of topics and points.  The structuralists prefer a deliberate construct of Roman numerals, numbers and letters, each set as specific indentations on their papers.  And then there are the others….

I always have one student who says, “I don’t need to outline.  I know what I am trying to say, and once I start writing the words will just flow onto the paper.”  I’ve heard this from undergraduate and graduate students alike.  Even some of my colleagues have admitted to me their disgust for outlines.  Now, I could very easily rabbit-trail here into a description of the various forms of outlining, and I could point out that many so-called anti-outliners actually do construct them without being conscious of it, but instead I’ll just say that outlining – more often than not – strengthens papers.  When a student comes to me saying, “There’s nothing left for me to write on this topic and I’m 7 pages short,” I say, “Let me see your outline.”  Generally, they don’t have one.  Without outlining, students tend to leave topics underdeveloped and/or out of logical order.  As a result, their papers may be short, shallow, and illogical. 

I realize that I’m generalizing here, but several years of teaching experience have taught me the value of process.  One of the most significant lessons that I can teach my students is that how we do something is just as important as the end result (if not more so). I Corinthians 14:40 commands, “[A]ll things must be done properly and in an orderly manner” (NASB).  Adam Clarke’s commentary on this verse clarifies,

Let all things be done decently and in order is a direction of infinite moment in all the concerns of religion, and of no small consequence in all the concerns of life…. Where decency and order are not observed in every part of the worship of God, no spiritual worship can be performed. The manner of doing a thing is always of as much consequence as the act itself. And often the act derives all its consequence and utility from the manner in which it is performed.

Processes are emphasized over and over again in Scripture.  Repentance, praise, worship, sanctification – these are ongoing, continuous acts.  Suggestions and regulations addressing how they are to be carried out are given throughout the Bible.  How something is being done is just as important as what is being done.  Jesus could have appeared as  the son of a human man and woman (and thus have been merely human); He could have manifested Himself as Spirit (and thus have been God, without the experience of human existence).  Instead, Jesus was completely God and completely human – a Divine paradox made possible by virgin birth and the only possible solution to the quandry that is a simultaneously Just and Merciful God.  How He came was vital.  How we act is vital. 

So, to brothers and sisters who speed on the 91 freeway at night because no one can see them, or who curse in rush hour traffic, or who use Facebook while at work – please know that I sympathize with you.  The urge for release when no one is watching is immense.  But sometimes that release develops into a habit, and habits transform our lives.  Some of these can be good changes.  We might develop a habit for praying during traffic.  We might develop a habit of smiling at the receptionist at work.  We might develop a habit for ordering the same raspberry hot chocolate twice a week (much love to Candace and Zippy in Wanda’s cafe for knowing my order before I give it). 

Frequently, though, the habits we develop are negative ones that we allow to grow because we simply assume that they go unobserved or that they “don’t matter.”  This is a fallacy.  It all matters.  Don’t let the habits that develop unseen dictate your “process” of life.  Let your “how” be as beautiful to the Lord as your “what.”  Don’t be someone who goes to midweek Bible study because “that’s what you do” or because others expect it of you.  Be the person who spends time in the car on the way to study turning off the music and starting to shut out the distractions, preparing to learn and to grow.  Don’t be the man or woman walking to work on a campus which emphasizes recycling who leaves the plastic bottle in the parking lot for “the maintenance crew to pick up.”  Be the person telling your students to recycle and bringing their graded papers to class in a reusable grocery bag.  Don’t be the Christian who says “Thank you” on Sunday and then spends the other six days of the week complaining.  Be a process-oriented person.  Scrutinize your words and your actions.  When our end result (Heaven) is being reflected in how we live, there is peace.  There is order.  When process and end result are dissimilar, there is confusion, discomfort, even pain.

So smile during rush hour.

On Gratitude and Prayer

Philippians 4:5-7 – “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

More recently than I’d like to admit, we were completely broke.  I had no idea how we’d make rent, much less pay the month’s bills and expenses.  Our pantry held cheerios for breakfast, peanut butter and crackers for lunch, and beans and rice for dinner. James had milk and Matt and I had water.  For several weeks.  (Let me just tell you that while you can survive on this diet, limited variety is unpleasant for picky toddlers and beans in the longterm are unpleasant for our family in general.  Ladies, you know what I mean.)  I couldn’t work and Matt was given minimum hours and was getting absolutely no call backs on any of the job applications he submitted.  We were being slowly eaten alive by the interest rates on our debt and I was getting calls from creditors (something previously completely foreign to me).  Our marriage was  strained and we were exhausted in every way possible.

Then one evening we prayed.

It may sound as though I’ll follow that up with a miraculous story of inheritances or lottery winnings or job offers, but the truth is that nothing much changed.  Matt’s hours stayed limited (they still are), I accrued more medical debt, and our savings didn’t immediately bloom back into existence.  No, our circumstances stayed relatively the same, but we changed.  We’d been attending church, paying tithe, praying over meals and our financial circumstances, but up until then something had been lacking in our prayer life: thanksgiving.  Yes, we’d told each other that “it could always be worse” and that there was “always someone who had less” than we did, but those were platitudes – form letters to our intellects that never translated to truly grateful hearts until that evening. 

In our prayers together that evening, my husband and I did more than just say, “Thank you, God, for keeping a roof over our heads.”  We went back to the blessings He’s bestowed in our personal lives: finding each other, our children, our educations and jobs.  Most importantly, we remembered the unhappiness in our hearts before finding relationships with Christ.  Suddenly, in light of that blessing, our financial struggles and petty squabbles seemed almost ridiculous. 

As we can see in Philippians 4:6, we are to voice all of our supplications with thanksgiving.  Although many of us may be familiar with this verse, I find that even mature Christians often forget or misinterpret it.  In his commentary on Philippians 4, Matthew Henry observes, “We must join thanksgivings with prayers and supplications; not only seek supplies of good, but own the mercies we have received. God needs not to be told our wants or desires; he knows them better than we do; but he will have us show that we value the mercy, and feel our dependence on him.”  We are not merely to be thankful for the material blessings He’s given us (although His provision and grace certainly deserve our gratitude), but we are to pray with thanfulness in light of the preceeding verse: “The Lord is near” (Phil. 4:5).  We are intimately connected with a God who not only hears our struggles but has given us the only possible means of weathering them: His Spirit in our hearts.

My family, as do many in this economy, still struggles financially, although things are gradually improving.  My husband and I both work to make ends meet and to raise our children; we live within our means and are grateful for what we have.  We continue to pray, and in our prayers, we gain that peace that passes all understanding – a true readjustment of perspective and the knowledge that all earthly struggles are nothing in light of the fact that we have eternity to be content.

So, “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (I Thess. 5:16-18).

On Gratitude

Hebrews 12: 28-29 – “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our ‘God is a consuming fire.'”

Every year, my mother gives my children Easter baskets, but to call these gifts merely “baskets” is a gross understatement.  They are gift bags overflowing with books and puzzles, set inside baskets overflowing with candy, residing within larger gift bags holding socks and other mom-appreciated items, inside…. You get the picture.  My mother loves to give gifts like these.  She shops year-round and uses the slightest Hallmarkian excuse to give: Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Work Professionals Day, etc.  Every year, she says, “I’m giving the kids their baskets, but you’re an adult now, so don’t expect anything.”  But every year she packs me and my husband her version of a “small something” to go along with the kids’ baskets.  This year, our bag included jelly beans, candy corn, novelty socks, a Clone Wars DVD, fruit snacks, a note pad, earrings, and assorted chocolates.  Random, yes, but to explain my mother’s gifts in detail would require a white board, three packs of dry erase markers, and two semesters.

What is significant about her gifts aren’t the contents (although, as I’ve pointed out, they generate some fun stories), nor is it how frequently or selflessly she gives.  What’s important is that, even though she tells me that I’m an adult and no longer deserve presents, I still expect them.  I’m  not saying that I’d resent her in the slightest if she didn’t give me one, but my relationship with my mother includes a familiarity with her habits.  I’ve become accustomed to her gift-giving, and, this year, for the first time in many years, I remembered to be thankful to my mother.

“Gasp!  You haven’t said ‘thank you’ for years?  What kind of a daughter are you?”  No, I’ve said thank you, and I’ve even meant it, but I haven’t shown her gratitude in a long time. 

The Oxford English Dictionary defines gratitude as “[t]he quality or condition of being grateful; a warm sense of appreciation of kindness received, involving a feeling of goodwill towards the benefactor and a desire to do something in return; [or]gratefulness.”  Note that being thankful or grateful includes not just a sense of appreciation – I’ve always appreciated my mother’s gifts – but a desire to demonstrate that appreciation in a concrete way. 

My sudden awareness of my ungrateful behavior towards my mother over the years transfered into a desire to repay her.  I simply don’t have the funding or creativity to give her gifts in the same way that she gives to me, but I’m now finding other ways to illustrate my appreciation.  I bring my children to visit, do her dishes, call and chat when she needs to talk, etc.  These are all things that I used to do before, but now I do them with a much fuller heart and a desire to give back – to give love.

It doesn’t take much to transfer this lesson I’ve learned about gratitude to a much higher Gift-Giver.  The Bible is filled with verses that remind me of how much the Lord has blessed me.  John 3:16 and James 1:17 are both beautiful examples (in fact, my son James was born at 1:17 in the afternoon, so the latter is the verse we dedicated to him after birth).  Hebrews 12 gives a clear picture of the things waiting for us.  So, how do we demonstrate gratitude to a God who has given us something we can never repay?  Hebews 12:29 tells us to “worship God acceptably with reverance and awe.”  Exactly what constitutes acceptable worship is something to discuss on another day, but we cannot forget that just “saying thank you” to God during prayer is not a sufficient demonstration of gratitude.  Yes, thank yous are important and should not be neglected, but a grateful heart will show up in every aspect of our lives.  Say thank you, mean it, and then ACT.  Demonstrate the fear of the Lord in your words and in your treatment of others, for our “God is a consuming fire.”

Announcing…

Lia Brynne Fanning, born January 10, 2010, 8 lbs 12 oz and with a full head of black hair.  🙂

I haven’t posted since before she was born because:

1) I started work again on January 6 (four days before she was born) and I’m now on Easter break; and

2) I HAVE A NEWBORN!

Okay, well, she’s almost three months old now and the size of a seven month old, but that’s nothing unusual with my kids.  James was born three pounds even and had jumped off even the standard growth charts by four months.  Because of the immense life changes of the past few months (which somehow seem completely natural and not really changes at all), I am overhauling this blog.  Today, I will update my (what, three?) readers and tomorrow I will begin a new chapter.  I intend to begin daily devotional reflections on scripture as both an encouragement to others (especially working moms) and as a method of personal accountability (I have kids, so, yes, accountability is necessary).

So……….

(LAW AND ORDER MUSIC)

Time: Saturday, January 9th, 2010, 10 a.m.

Location: Loma Linda University Medical Center Labor and Delivery Unit

ME:  So, umm, I’d like to have this baby now. 1… 2… 3… owwwwwww…  1… 2… 3… owwwww.

RESIDENT:   Well, ma’am….

ME: (Ma’am?  I know I’ve put on a little weight, but really?)

RESIDENT:  You’ve been dilated two to four centimeters for a couple of months now.

ME:  Yeah, I know.

RESIDENT:  And you’ve been contracting regularly for a couple of weeks.

ME:  Yep. 1… 2… 3… owwww.  You were saying?

RESIDENT:  But she doesn’t want to budge.

ME:  I got that.  Anything we can do?  And don’t say, “Why don’t you go home and come back if you feel any labor symptoms?” because I’ve been hearing that for weeks and….

RESIDENT:  Why don’t you go home and come back if you….

MY OB:  Hey, Mrs. Fanning.  Making trouble again?  I have a coffee mug with your name on it.

ME:  Hi, doc.  Is there coffee in it?

MY OB:  Haha.  Right.  So, want to have a baby?

ME:  Whenever you guys feel like it; I’m in no hurry here.  1… 2… 3… owwwww… 1…

MY OB:  So, pitocin for a few hours and we’ll see how you are doing.

Me:  Okie dokie.  Waiter, I’ll have an epidural on the rocks.

— 6 hours later —

MY OB:  Well, your contractions are definitely stronger.

ME:  Oh, really?  I hadn’t noticed.  1… 2… 3… OWWWWWWWWW.

RESIDENT:  We’re going to keep trying the pitocin.  If it doesn’t work after a few hours, we’ll break your water.

ME:  Okie dokie.  Honey, why don’t you go grab some dinner?

MY HUSBAND:  Okay, honey.  Want anything?

ME:  To deliver a baby?

MY HUSBAND:  A couple more hours, honey.

— 10 hours later —

RESIDENT:  Let’s break your water, shall we?

NURSE:  Hey, there’s only one good room left.  You’re racing the mom across the hall to deliver first.  It’s her first one, so you have the benefit of experience.  She’s young, though, so….

ME:  Don’t finish that sentence.

— 20 minutes later —

MY HUSBAND:   Anything feel different, honey?

ME:  I’m ready to PUSH!

THE ROOM:  Umm, okay.

ME:  1… 2… 3…

MY OB:  You have one tall child!

MY NURSE:  Wow, for a small woman you really have a large little girl.

RESIDENT:  She’s a large baby for a woman of your size….

ME:  Okay, I get it.  Nap time now?

— Flash forward to last month —

PEDIATRICIAN:  You know, your children are perfect. 

ME:  I know.

So, now you know.  Tomorrow, devotionals.  Sneak peek: Gratitude.

38 weeks

Yes, it has been a long time since I blogged.  There haven’t been a lot of changes to speak of in that time, I suppose, but the real reason is just pure exhaustion.  I’ve been dilated to 4 cm for almost a month now, and effaced to at least 50 percent (the exact numbers change with the doctor doing the check).  I’ve been in and out of labor and delivery close to 10 times and for the past two weeks I have been going in every 2-4 days for a check.  Today was the ???th check, and still no change.  Praise God. 

So, why do I feel like crying constantly?  Well, contrary to some opinions, being dilated and effaced for as long as I have been is EXTREMELY painful.  There is a horrible tearing sensation whenever I walk, so, if no one is home, I stay put as long as possible.  (I’ve discovered that can be difficult with a two and a half year old, though.)  There is also incredible pressure no matter what position I’m in.  The contractions are consistent and unpleasant, and if she kicks me during them I have to scream (my kids are always active, :-)).  I’ve been offered Tylenol with codine (the only safe thing at this point), but I don’t like medicating.  It does indicate that my doctors know how much pain I’m in, though, that they offered it at all.  My views on medication during pregnancy are fairly well known.  The only really pain relief right now is sleep, when it comes (so again, apologies for not staying in contact right now).  I hit 37 weeks last Saturday (legally full-term), but the doctors prefer not to augment labor until 39 weeks, and I prefer not to ask them to unless there is danger to the baby. 

Today, as I said, there was no change.  In fact, the doctor thinks my dilation might have reduced a little, even though the baby has lowered and is clearly causing direct pressure.  The lack of change is not a danger to her, but the pain it is causing me and the tearing concern my doctor enough that if she doesn’t decide to come before then, we will do pitocin on Saturday and get this party… finished.  This will be considered “augmenting” labor that has already started, as opposed to “inducing” labor.  Lia is healthy and active still, but I’m relieved.  I’m not looking forward to teaching in this condition, but the semester starts this week and things need to be done and classes need to be started on the right notes.  I plan on trying to look as “unpregnant” as possible if I run across my dept. chair; I don’t want to worry him needlessly (and he’s a sweetheart, but a worrier).  I don’t plan on holding office hours this first week, and my classes are back-to-back and close together.  The Lord is making all things possible in His power and timing, but I admit to being a little daunted by this impending week.  I’ve been anticipating an early delivery for so long that this necessary and full-term delivery feels almost unnatural.  I think I’m in shock (not depression, praise the Lord, but on definite emotional hiatus).  All this to say, your prayers are appreciated.  We’re tired, but in good health; we’re bruised, but not broken. 🙂  Just TIRED!  🙂

Beautiful comparisons – John 16:20-22: “I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

32 Weeks and Still at Home

Well, shockingly enough, I am still pregnant at 32 weeks.  My perinatologists are being ministered to and my nurse is praising God.  It’s great!  Okay, great for the baby, but I’ve had a rough couple of weeks.  Three separate visits to the Labor and Delivery triage unit, only to be sent home after one night’s observation.  I haven’t made it out of triage and into antepartum yet (good because it means I get to go home, bad because triage is not made for creature comforts like the rest of their unit is).  Here’s the standard routine so far:

1)  I experience severe pain and pressure (it’s ongoing until delivery right now because of my condition, but when it escalates, I call);

2)  I call L&D and tell them my situation and that I’m coming in for PAIN AND PRESSURE, NOT FOR CONTRACTIONS (although I have those consistently, too);

3) I come in and they check me, thereby inducing regular contractions;

4) They treat me for the contractions, keep me overnight for observation, and release me at 6 a.m. if the contractions have descreased.

This would be fine if not for the big issue:  for me, contractions and cervical change are completely unrelated.  I could go into the long history, but that would be boring right now.  If delivery were imminent, they’d consult with the perinatologist on-call, but it hasn’t been “imminent” during my visits.  During this past visit, they did an FFN test.  A positive result is supposed to indicate delivery within two weeks of the test.  Well, I tested positive.  They sent me home again.  I’m not worried, or even irritated; home is more restful for me at this point.  I guess I’m just disappointed that I keep having to drag Matt out for “false alarms.”  That’s not really true, though.  Each time I’ve gone in there has been a visible change (at the first appointment I had dilated to one, at this one her position was a little lower and I’d potentially dilated another centimeter); the changes just aren’t enough to be considered “imminent delivery.”  So I have to keep going when I feel changes.  It’s just a little tiring.  My arms are all bruised from IVs and anti-contraction medication at this point. 😛

The summary to this stream-of-consciousness narrative?  I’m praising God that I’m still pregnant and that Lia is growing perfectly.  I am EXHAUSTED from these triage stays and very much looking forward to dressing a little girl in red velvet Christmas clothes and doing family Disneyland trips with Matt and James again.  I can handle the pain as long as this little girlie is willing to stay in, but the fatigue and the inability to do housework or really engage with my son are not that fun.  All prayers are appreciated, and at this point God is blessing me with a positive attitude and a definite growth in love for my family. 🙂

Proverbs 19:23 – “The fear of the LORD leads to life: then one rests content, untouched by trouble.”

30 Weeks!

We are officially at 30 weeks gestation in this pregnancy!  I have already been pregnant longer than I was with James; every day/week after this is a blessing.  This is what the next few weeks will probably look like: 

1) an appointment on Monday with my OB and a detailed ultrasound to get the baby’s measurements, weight, etc.;

2) continued bedrest until I begin to dilate (if I haven’t dilated before Monday’s appointment, they may allow me a little more leeway on the bedrest and light housekeeping);

3) once I dilate, I’ll most likely be hospitalized to reduce the risk of infection and to keep me close to labor and delivery;

4)  if I’m contracting when I’m admitted, they might put me on stronger beta-blockers to try to stop labor (after 30 weeks, though, they might just put me on those long enough to get her a second round of steroids and then let me deliver);

5) I deliver (probably not a C-section; they try to avoid those with premature moms unless it’s a matter of maternal safety), most likely without an epidural because I will already have been dilated for an extended period of time (sigh.  I’d still like to see what delivery is like with one of those);

6) and Lia gets a NICU stay.  We hope her stay won’t be as long as Jamie’s (he was in for 60 days, which is pretty amazing for a 29 weeker); he had an infection and some respiratory issues that needed to be dealt with before we got to bring him home.  Ideally, her stay would be less than a month long.  If she is born old enough to breathe on her own and doesn’t show any signs of infection, we might be able to bring her home within a week!

Those are the practical, “realistic” expectations for the rest of my pregnancy, but we know that with God, nothing is impossible.  If we make it to 35 or 36 weeks (mid-December), she could come home after only one night of observation. 🙂  Either way, it is in God’s hands.  Everything is pretty much set up.  My mother washed hand-me-down clothes and baby bedding for me (we’re still a little short on gowns and sleepers, but that’s okay).  Hope the ultrasounds keep showing that she’s a girl, though!  We’ve got too much pink to deal with an unexpected boy (not that we wouldn’t love a little Caleb just as much). 🙂  I’m just excited for my holiday season baby. 🙂  I had a newborn through the summer last time (ugh!) and I’d like this one to be a little older and less prone to heat rash.  Okay, let’s face it, I also want an excuse to get one of those little red velvet Christmas dresses and some black patent leather shoes. 😀  (Never had these cravings with Jamie!)

Ecclesiastes 3:11 — “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

29 Weeks and Memories

It’s official! At this same time in my pregnancy with James, he was born and hospitalized.  During this week with him during my hospitalization, I was given my glucose 1 hour and 3 hour tests (a lot of blood drawn);  a Rhogam shot it turns out I didn’t need because Matt’s an RH -, too; terbutalin shots every three hours; heprin (sp?) shots every morning to prevent blood clots; a mixture of steroids and antibiotics for his sake; and, finally, an IV of magnesium sulfate, from the time I convinced them that I was really in labor (6 hours after I’d tracked the contractions to 3-5 minutes apart) to until after I delivered Jamie. 

While on the magnesium, you can’t think clearly.  Your body feels like it is filling with lava and every sensation is heightened.  What should have been gradual, manageable contractions were turned into surprise shocks of pain and clenching; the nurses assumed that something was wrong with my monitor, since each contraction looked like a very jagged arrowhead rather than a gradual rise and drop.  They told me that I had no pain tolerance and that asking for something for the pain during  a preterm delivery meant that I wasn’t keeping my baby’s interest in mind over my own (I had been checked in dilated, so an epidural was out, although I didn’t know that; the only other option was IV pain killer).  I was alone and very tired.  When one nurse final took pity on my screaming (3 a.m., and I’d been in labor since 1 p.m. the previous afternoon), she gave me a quick IV, monitored James, and let me sleep for an hour before cutting the IV.  The next nurse to come in again told me that I just couldn’t handle pain and needed to stop crying and screaming before I disturbed the other patients. 

At the time, the nurses weren’t allowed to check preterm mothers without a doctor present.  When one finally did a check at 7 a.m., thinking it might be time to call the doctor, they discovered that Jamie had already been crowning for some time.  Mind, my water wasn’t broken.  He was too light.  They kept telling me not to push, that I needed to consider my baby and stop being selfish, and that the doctor wasn’t due to arrive until the afternoon.  My water broke between 12:30 and 1 p.m.  At 1 p.m. my doctor arrived from being on call at another hospital.  She prepped me to push.  Three pushes later, at 1:16 p.m., James was born.  They cleaned him, wrapped him up, let me kiss his face, and bundled him off to the NICU (a new blog in and of itself about which I’m not yet ready to write).  Afterwards, they cut the magnesium and I apologized to the doctor and nurses for making them uncomfortable with my screaming.  The doctor stitched my second degree tears, surprised when I told her she didn’t need to worry about a local and that I have a high pain tolerance.  The L & D nurses ostracized me for the 24 hours I remained in the hospital.

Since that time, most hospitals have stopped using magnesium to treat preterm labor and have restricted its use to cases of preeclampsia.  They’ve discovered side-effects when it is used in mothers without high-blood pressure and little-to-no effect on preterm labor.  I have also switched to a high-risk ward through a much nicer hospital.

During THIS week of my current pregnancy, I have played word games with my son, watched movies with my husband, edited papers for friends and got a little more research done for my future dissertation.  I have had regular contractions.  My current doctors do not believe in overmedication and favor a more holistic approach (even to high-risk pregnancies), which I completely support.  I’m taking a very light dosage of procardia round the clock, and it seems to help.  I’m continuing my bedrest.  Even though I know I’m still not going to get the midwife-monitored water birth I wanted with James, I’m confident that things will go much more smoothly.  If I end up in the hospital on medication, I will not be shocked, but so far the Lord is blessing me greatly during this pregnancy.

The outcome for both is the same: I am blessed.  Yes, I had a struggle during James’ pregnancy/delivery, but I am incredibly blessed to be his mom.  This week he has made huge verbal leaps and is talking or singing non-stop (he’s very musical).  He’s my love bug and my encouragement, even at 2 1/2 years old (you moms of two-year-olds understand this comment).  I can’t wait to see how things will go with Lia.  Yes, we’ll probably have a NICU stay, and with that comes the potential for a lot of trials or tragedy, but my children were and are both in God’s hands.  Even if I never get to bring Lia home, I’ve been blessed to be her mom, too.  (The outcome at this point is not that grim, but I’ve learned to think in terms of worst case scenario and be pleasantly surprised when things are better. :))

Sorry this is so long and contains so much venting.  The real conclusion?

Psalm 63:4-6 —  “I will praise You as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise You. On my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night” (NIV).

26 Weeks and 4 Days

Well, we were hoping that at my 26 week appointment (yesterday morning) there would be no change from the previous week.  Definitely wrong.  My cervix has officially shortened from 1.3 cm to .8.  It’s still technically there (hooray, you pathetic thing) and it’s still technically closed, which means my chance of developing an infection is still low.  We were at about this point with James at 22 weeks, but I wasn’t on bedrest or anything and I was told that my risk of early delivery was still low (yeah, right).  There is no doubt now that the diagnosis of incompetent cervix was correct.  We thought, because of my contractions from 16 weeks on, that it might be JUST preterm labor and that limiting contractions would limit changes, but that’s not the case.  The shortening to my cervix just continues to get worse as the baby gets heavier.  Gravity is not my friend as she grows, so bedrest will help for as long as God allows, but ultimately my cervix just won’t hold up under her weight no matter what I do or do not do.  This one is definitely coming early, but the Lord has still put off delivery so far and we are trusting him to continue to do so until the right time for her to come.  Matt and I still don’t regret avoiding the cerclage (surgery to stitch the cervix together); we prayed long and hard before making that decision, and the risks were just too great for me and for her.  The Lord provides and every week is a gift from Him.  Please pray for 30+.  That’s my goal and my prayer.  We know that we’ll be doing the NICU routine again, and Matt and I feel blessed that God has given us this testimony with our kids.  We’ll endure and flourish, but the shorter her hospital stay the happier Mommy here will be.  The doctors have been wonderful, my RN case manager is a prayer warrior, and we just found out that a friend’s cousin works in that NICU and is all ready for our girlie’s arrival.  The Lord continues to provide and comfort and redefine my definition of NEED, so praise Him.  If we deliver this week, I am still confident that this entire process has been in His hands and will be used for His glory.

Jamie’s verse and the one I’m giving Lia for today: James 1:17 – “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (NIV).