Announcing…

Lia Brynne Fanning, born January 10, 2010, 8 lbs 12 oz and with a full head of black hair.  🙂

I haven’t posted since before she was born because:

1) I started work again on January 6 (four days before she was born) and I’m now on Easter break; and

2) I HAVE A NEWBORN!

Okay, well, she’s almost three months old now and the size of a seven month old, but that’s nothing unusual with my kids.  James was born three pounds even and had jumped off even the standard growth charts by four months.  Because of the immense life changes of the past few months (which somehow seem completely natural and not really changes at all), I am overhauling this blog.  Today, I will update my (what, three?) readers and tomorrow I will begin a new chapter.  I intend to begin daily devotional reflections on scripture as both an encouragement to others (especially working moms) and as a method of personal accountability (I have kids, so, yes, accountability is necessary).

So……….

(LAW AND ORDER MUSIC)

Time: Saturday, January 9th, 2010, 10 a.m.

Location: Loma Linda University Medical Center Labor and Delivery Unit

ME:  So, umm, I’d like to have this baby now. 1… 2… 3… owwwwwww…  1… 2… 3… owwwww.

RESIDENT:   Well, ma’am….

ME: (Ma’am?  I know I’ve put on a little weight, but really?)

RESIDENT:  You’ve been dilated two to four centimeters for a couple of months now.

ME:  Yeah, I know.

RESIDENT:  And you’ve been contracting regularly for a couple of weeks.

ME:  Yep. 1… 2… 3… owwww.  You were saying?

RESIDENT:  But she doesn’t want to budge.

ME:  I got that.  Anything we can do?  And don’t say, “Why don’t you go home and come back if you feel any labor symptoms?” because I’ve been hearing that for weeks and….

RESIDENT:  Why don’t you go home and come back if you….

MY OB:  Hey, Mrs. Fanning.  Making trouble again?  I have a coffee mug with your name on it.

ME:  Hi, doc.  Is there coffee in it?

MY OB:  Haha.  Right.  So, want to have a baby?

ME:  Whenever you guys feel like it; I’m in no hurry here.  1… 2… 3… owwwww… 1…

MY OB:  So, pitocin for a few hours and we’ll see how you are doing.

Me:  Okie dokie.  Waiter, I’ll have an epidural on the rocks.

— 6 hours later —

MY OB:  Well, your contractions are definitely stronger.

ME:  Oh, really?  I hadn’t noticed.  1… 2… 3… OWWWWWWWWW.

RESIDENT:  We’re going to keep trying the pitocin.  If it doesn’t work after a few hours, we’ll break your water.

ME:  Okie dokie.  Honey, why don’t you go grab some dinner?

MY HUSBAND:  Okay, honey.  Want anything?

ME:  To deliver a baby?

MY HUSBAND:  A couple more hours, honey.

— 10 hours later —

RESIDENT:  Let’s break your water, shall we?

NURSE:  Hey, there’s only one good room left.  You’re racing the mom across the hall to deliver first.  It’s her first one, so you have the benefit of experience.  She’s young, though, so….

ME:  Don’t finish that sentence.

— 20 minutes later —

MY HUSBAND:   Anything feel different, honey?

ME:  I’m ready to PUSH!

THE ROOM:  Umm, okay.

ME:  1… 2… 3…

MY OB:  You have one tall child!

MY NURSE:  Wow, for a small woman you really have a large little girl.

RESIDENT:  She’s a large baby for a woman of your size….

ME:  Okay, I get it.  Nap time now?

— Flash forward to last month —

PEDIATRICIAN:  You know, your children are perfect. 

ME:  I know.

So, now you know.  Tomorrow, devotionals.  Sneak peek: Gratitude.

38 weeks

Yes, it has been a long time since I blogged.  There haven’t been a lot of changes to speak of in that time, I suppose, but the real reason is just pure exhaustion.  I’ve been dilated to 4 cm for almost a month now, and effaced to at least 50 percent (the exact numbers change with the doctor doing the check).  I’ve been in and out of labor and delivery close to 10 times and for the past two weeks I have been going in every 2-4 days for a check.  Today was the ???th check, and still no change.  Praise God. 

So, why do I feel like crying constantly?  Well, contrary to some opinions, being dilated and effaced for as long as I have been is EXTREMELY painful.  There is a horrible tearing sensation whenever I walk, so, if no one is home, I stay put as long as possible.  (I’ve discovered that can be difficult with a two and a half year old, though.)  There is also incredible pressure no matter what position I’m in.  The contractions are consistent and unpleasant, and if she kicks me during them I have to scream (my kids are always active, :-)).  I’ve been offered Tylenol with codine (the only safe thing at this point), but I don’t like medicating.  It does indicate that my doctors know how much pain I’m in, though, that they offered it at all.  My views on medication during pregnancy are fairly well known.  The only really pain relief right now is sleep, when it comes (so again, apologies for not staying in contact right now).  I hit 37 weeks last Saturday (legally full-term), but the doctors prefer not to augment labor until 39 weeks, and I prefer not to ask them to unless there is danger to the baby. 

Today, as I said, there was no change.  In fact, the doctor thinks my dilation might have reduced a little, even though the baby has lowered and is clearly causing direct pressure.  The lack of change is not a danger to her, but the pain it is causing me and the tearing concern my doctor enough that if she doesn’t decide to come before then, we will do pitocin on Saturday and get this party… finished.  This will be considered “augmenting” labor that has already started, as opposed to “inducing” labor.  Lia is healthy and active still, but I’m relieved.  I’m not looking forward to teaching in this condition, but the semester starts this week and things need to be done and classes need to be started on the right notes.  I plan on trying to look as “unpregnant” as possible if I run across my dept. chair; I don’t want to worry him needlessly (and he’s a sweetheart, but a worrier).  I don’t plan on holding office hours this first week, and my classes are back-to-back and close together.  The Lord is making all things possible in His power and timing, but I admit to being a little daunted by this impending week.  I’ve been anticipating an early delivery for so long that this necessary and full-term delivery feels almost unnatural.  I think I’m in shock (not depression, praise the Lord, but on definite emotional hiatus).  All this to say, your prayers are appreciated.  We’re tired, but in good health; we’re bruised, but not broken. 🙂  Just TIRED!  🙂

Beautiful comparisons – John 16:20-22: “I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

32 Weeks and Still at Home

Well, shockingly enough, I am still pregnant at 32 weeks.  My perinatologists are being ministered to and my nurse is praising God.  It’s great!  Okay, great for the baby, but I’ve had a rough couple of weeks.  Three separate visits to the Labor and Delivery triage unit, only to be sent home after one night’s observation.  I haven’t made it out of triage and into antepartum yet (good because it means I get to go home, bad because triage is not made for creature comforts like the rest of their unit is).  Here’s the standard routine so far:

1)  I experience severe pain and pressure (it’s ongoing until delivery right now because of my condition, but when it escalates, I call);

2)  I call L&D and tell them my situation and that I’m coming in for PAIN AND PRESSURE, NOT FOR CONTRACTIONS (although I have those consistently, too);

3) I come in and they check me, thereby inducing regular contractions;

4) They treat me for the contractions, keep me overnight for observation, and release me at 6 a.m. if the contractions have descreased.

This would be fine if not for the big issue:  for me, contractions and cervical change are completely unrelated.  I could go into the long history, but that would be boring right now.  If delivery were imminent, they’d consult with the perinatologist on-call, but it hasn’t been “imminent” during my visits.  During this past visit, they did an FFN test.  A positive result is supposed to indicate delivery within two weeks of the test.  Well, I tested positive.  They sent me home again.  I’m not worried, or even irritated; home is more restful for me at this point.  I guess I’m just disappointed that I keep having to drag Matt out for “false alarms.”  That’s not really true, though.  Each time I’ve gone in there has been a visible change (at the first appointment I had dilated to one, at this one her position was a little lower and I’d potentially dilated another centimeter); the changes just aren’t enough to be considered “imminent delivery.”  So I have to keep going when I feel changes.  It’s just a little tiring.  My arms are all bruised from IVs and anti-contraction medication at this point. 😛

The summary to this stream-of-consciousness narrative?  I’m praising God that I’m still pregnant and that Lia is growing perfectly.  I am EXHAUSTED from these triage stays and very much looking forward to dressing a little girl in red velvet Christmas clothes and doing family Disneyland trips with Matt and James again.  I can handle the pain as long as this little girlie is willing to stay in, but the fatigue and the inability to do housework or really engage with my son are not that fun.  All prayers are appreciated, and at this point God is blessing me with a positive attitude and a definite growth in love for my family. 🙂

Proverbs 19:23 – “The fear of the LORD leads to life: then one rests content, untouched by trouble.”

30 Weeks!

We are officially at 30 weeks gestation in this pregnancy!  I have already been pregnant longer than I was with James; every day/week after this is a blessing.  This is what the next few weeks will probably look like: 

1) an appointment on Monday with my OB and a detailed ultrasound to get the baby’s measurements, weight, etc.;

2) continued bedrest until I begin to dilate (if I haven’t dilated before Monday’s appointment, they may allow me a little more leeway on the bedrest and light housekeeping);

3) once I dilate, I’ll most likely be hospitalized to reduce the risk of infection and to keep me close to labor and delivery;

4)  if I’m contracting when I’m admitted, they might put me on stronger beta-blockers to try to stop labor (after 30 weeks, though, they might just put me on those long enough to get her a second round of steroids and then let me deliver);

5) I deliver (probably not a C-section; they try to avoid those with premature moms unless it’s a matter of maternal safety), most likely without an epidural because I will already have been dilated for an extended period of time (sigh.  I’d still like to see what delivery is like with one of those);

6) and Lia gets a NICU stay.  We hope her stay won’t be as long as Jamie’s (he was in for 60 days, which is pretty amazing for a 29 weeker); he had an infection and some respiratory issues that needed to be dealt with before we got to bring him home.  Ideally, her stay would be less than a month long.  If she is born old enough to breathe on her own and doesn’t show any signs of infection, we might be able to bring her home within a week!

Those are the practical, “realistic” expectations for the rest of my pregnancy, but we know that with God, nothing is impossible.  If we make it to 35 or 36 weeks (mid-December), she could come home after only one night of observation. 🙂  Either way, it is in God’s hands.  Everything is pretty much set up.  My mother washed hand-me-down clothes and baby bedding for me (we’re still a little short on gowns and sleepers, but that’s okay).  Hope the ultrasounds keep showing that she’s a girl, though!  We’ve got too much pink to deal with an unexpected boy (not that we wouldn’t love a little Caleb just as much). 🙂  I’m just excited for my holiday season baby. 🙂  I had a newborn through the summer last time (ugh!) and I’d like this one to be a little older and less prone to heat rash.  Okay, let’s face it, I also want an excuse to get one of those little red velvet Christmas dresses and some black patent leather shoes. 😀  (Never had these cravings with Jamie!)

Ecclesiastes 3:11 — “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

29 Weeks and Memories

It’s official! At this same time in my pregnancy with James, he was born and hospitalized.  During this week with him during my hospitalization, I was given my glucose 1 hour and 3 hour tests (a lot of blood drawn);  a Rhogam shot it turns out I didn’t need because Matt’s an RH -, too; terbutalin shots every three hours; heprin (sp?) shots every morning to prevent blood clots; a mixture of steroids and antibiotics for his sake; and, finally, an IV of magnesium sulfate, from the time I convinced them that I was really in labor (6 hours after I’d tracked the contractions to 3-5 minutes apart) to until after I delivered Jamie. 

While on the magnesium, you can’t think clearly.  Your body feels like it is filling with lava and every sensation is heightened.  What should have been gradual, manageable contractions were turned into surprise shocks of pain and clenching; the nurses assumed that something was wrong with my monitor, since each contraction looked like a very jagged arrowhead rather than a gradual rise and drop.  They told me that I had no pain tolerance and that asking for something for the pain during  a preterm delivery meant that I wasn’t keeping my baby’s interest in mind over my own (I had been checked in dilated, so an epidural was out, although I didn’t know that; the only other option was IV pain killer).  I was alone and very tired.  When one nurse final took pity on my screaming (3 a.m., and I’d been in labor since 1 p.m. the previous afternoon), she gave me a quick IV, monitored James, and let me sleep for an hour before cutting the IV.  The next nurse to come in again told me that I just couldn’t handle pain and needed to stop crying and screaming before I disturbed the other patients. 

At the time, the nurses weren’t allowed to check preterm mothers without a doctor present.  When one finally did a check at 7 a.m., thinking it might be time to call the doctor, they discovered that Jamie had already been crowning for some time.  Mind, my water wasn’t broken.  He was too light.  They kept telling me not to push, that I needed to consider my baby and stop being selfish, and that the doctor wasn’t due to arrive until the afternoon.  My water broke between 12:30 and 1 p.m.  At 1 p.m. my doctor arrived from being on call at another hospital.  She prepped me to push.  Three pushes later, at 1:16 p.m., James was born.  They cleaned him, wrapped him up, let me kiss his face, and bundled him off to the NICU (a new blog in and of itself about which I’m not yet ready to write).  Afterwards, they cut the magnesium and I apologized to the doctor and nurses for making them uncomfortable with my screaming.  The doctor stitched my second degree tears, surprised when I told her she didn’t need to worry about a local and that I have a high pain tolerance.  The L & D nurses ostracized me for the 24 hours I remained in the hospital.

Since that time, most hospitals have stopped using magnesium to treat preterm labor and have restricted its use to cases of preeclampsia.  They’ve discovered side-effects when it is used in mothers without high-blood pressure and little-to-no effect on preterm labor.  I have also switched to a high-risk ward through a much nicer hospital.

During THIS week of my current pregnancy, I have played word games with my son, watched movies with my husband, edited papers for friends and got a little more research done for my future dissertation.  I have had regular contractions.  My current doctors do not believe in overmedication and favor a more holistic approach (even to high-risk pregnancies), which I completely support.  I’m taking a very light dosage of procardia round the clock, and it seems to help.  I’m continuing my bedrest.  Even though I know I’m still not going to get the midwife-monitored water birth I wanted with James, I’m confident that things will go much more smoothly.  If I end up in the hospital on medication, I will not be shocked, but so far the Lord is blessing me greatly during this pregnancy.

The outcome for both is the same: I am blessed.  Yes, I had a struggle during James’ pregnancy/delivery, but I am incredibly blessed to be his mom.  This week he has made huge verbal leaps and is talking or singing non-stop (he’s very musical).  He’s my love bug and my encouragement, even at 2 1/2 years old (you moms of two-year-olds understand this comment).  I can’t wait to see how things will go with Lia.  Yes, we’ll probably have a NICU stay, and with that comes the potential for a lot of trials or tragedy, but my children were and are both in God’s hands.  Even if I never get to bring Lia home, I’ve been blessed to be her mom, too.  (The outcome at this point is not that grim, but I’ve learned to think in terms of worst case scenario and be pleasantly surprised when things are better. :))

Sorry this is so long and contains so much venting.  The real conclusion?

Psalm 63:4-6 —  “I will praise You as long as I live, and in Your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise You. On my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night” (NIV).

26 Weeks and 4 Days

Well, we were hoping that at my 26 week appointment (yesterday morning) there would be no change from the previous week.  Definitely wrong.  My cervix has officially shortened from 1.3 cm to .8.  It’s still technically there (hooray, you pathetic thing) and it’s still technically closed, which means my chance of developing an infection is still low.  We were at about this point with James at 22 weeks, but I wasn’t on bedrest or anything and I was told that my risk of early delivery was still low (yeah, right).  There is no doubt now that the diagnosis of incompetent cervix was correct.  We thought, because of my contractions from 16 weeks on, that it might be JUST preterm labor and that limiting contractions would limit changes, but that’s not the case.  The shortening to my cervix just continues to get worse as the baby gets heavier.  Gravity is not my friend as she grows, so bedrest will help for as long as God allows, but ultimately my cervix just won’t hold up under her weight no matter what I do or do not do.  This one is definitely coming early, but the Lord has still put off delivery so far and we are trusting him to continue to do so until the right time for her to come.  Matt and I still don’t regret avoiding the cerclage (surgery to stitch the cervix together); we prayed long and hard before making that decision, and the risks were just too great for me and for her.  The Lord provides and every week is a gift from Him.  Please pray for 30+.  That’s my goal and my prayer.  We know that we’ll be doing the NICU routine again, and Matt and I feel blessed that God has given us this testimony with our kids.  We’ll endure and flourish, but the shorter her hospital stay the happier Mommy here will be.  The doctors have been wonderful, my RN case manager is a prayer warrior, and we just found out that a friend’s cousin works in that NICU and is all ready for our girlie’s arrival.  The Lord continues to provide and comfort and redefine my definition of NEED, so praise Him.  If we deliver this week, I am still confident that this entire process has been in His hands and will be used for His glory.

Jamie’s verse and the one I’m giving Lia for today: James 1:17 – “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (NIV).

25 Weeks and some “Great Books”

Saturday marked 25 weeks of pregnancy!  Definitely a milestone for us.  I’m not in the hospital on an unspeakable number of medications, nor am I contracting regularly at the moment.  I still have to behave myself (irregular contractions and a significant amount of pain ensure that), but I’m willing to do so at this point.  Our goal is 30+ weeks, and His grace is sufficient. 🙂

I have also unofficially joined the Great Books Week blog tour along with my lovely friend Nikki. 🙂  Day #1: If I were stranded alone on a deserted island with only seven books to read over the next few years, I would like to have…

1) The Holy Bible (nothing like a book that never stops revealing truth);

2) Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice (because I’m a girl);

3) The Complete Sonnets of William Shakespeare (see above);

4) Yann Martel’s Life of Pi (a multilayered survival narrative with a lot of fun imagery, and one of my thesis texts :-P);

5) J. R. R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy (yes, three books, but I’d pack the edition that includes all of them, just to save space ;-));

6) Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (you didn’t mention where this deserted island was, and there are pertinent points :-));

7) and C. S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters (for those days I’m feeling a little schizophrenic and picked on; it could always be worse).

24 weeks and nesting …

For the most part I’ve been able to behave myself for another week.  It’s getting more difficult, though, with “nesting” in full swing.  The nesting stage is difficult enough without being able to actually get up and do anything about it.  I’ve compensated so far by keeping everything of Lia’s in a box next to the bed (so far, some blanket gifts and very cute hand-me-down girl clothes).  In my head, I guess that I keep praying for a financial windfall that will let us get her all new things, matching sets, and a completely stocked nursery before she’s born.  We were blessed to have saved a lot of money when Jamie was a baby due to gifts and second hand items (that money was needed for more important things).  I’m going to blame hormones for this sudden obsession with a new and coordinated nursery set (and, while we’re at it, a house with a nursery in which to put all of this).  Matt and I continuously pray for the Lord’s will in our lives, including in our finances.  This month has become exceptionally difficult, but we know that He will give us exactly what we need.  It’s times like these (with Babies’R’Us sales and coupons in my mailbox by the thousand) that I have difficulty remembering that His definition of “need” and mine may be dramatically different.  Still, please pray for our financial Needs this month, for my emotional “wants,” and most especially that I can tell the difference between the two.

Philippians 4:19

23 Weeks! :)

So I have officially made it through my first week of bedrest and to week 23 of my pregnancy!  At this point in my pregnancy with Jamie I was completed effaced and starting to dilate and didn’t even know it.  This time, I’m much more aware of my pregnancy and I’m being monitored much more closely.  It’s both a relief and an added burden: I know that I need to behave myself for the sake of the baby.  God’s blessed so far, of course.   

Psalm 127:3 – “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward.”

For ultrasound pictures, see my Facebook. 🙂

Bedrest

It’s official — I’m on bedrest.  I’ve been on unofficial bedrest / house arrest for the past couple of months, but the formal order came down from on high this morning (or a couple of inches below, since my OB is shorter than I am).  I am currently 22 weeks pregnant.  We’ve been having weekly ultrasounds for a while now and both my cervix and the baby are doing fine.  I have, however, been having contractions for a month or so.  We knew that I would end up on bedrest sooner or later, and 22 weeks is actually a little later than I expected.  It’s still an interesting dilemma. 

During the past few weeks I’ve been sent multiple links to websites that prepare moms for extended periods of bedrest.  They suggest various ways of coping with the traumas that are inherent in the situation (guilt from being unable to care for kids, husband, house, etc.; boredom; anxiety about finances, baby, etc.).  Most of the suggestions include knitting and/or blogging, but few of them discuss prayer time.  It’s amazing how easy it is to make quiet time when you can’t be “busy and productive.”  Please join with me in praying that this is a time of major spiritual growth for me and mine.  It certainly has been up to this point.  My husband and son have been coping extremely well with the situation, and again I have to chalk that up to prayer. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV — “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven” – even bedrest.